Sunday, September 5, 2010

Inside your thoughts you hid.


I look at you now, and think - 'who the hell is this shell sitting beside me? In as far as we ever know anyone - I thought I knew you. I was so wrong.'

You struggled for independence, but at what cost? The ones nearest to you are too close to see you objectively, but you're too far away for them to reach.

Because of you, for years I woke up fragmented - bits of me scattered all over my life. I tried to save you by picking up your self imposed burdens. It didn't work. I stopped living my own life by doing that - if you can call my existence living - I was only going through the motions; I learned that by watching you. You're the expert when it comes to that. But I'm done.

Why are you wasting your life doing things that make you miserable?

I keep hoping to follow you and understand when you hide from me inside your thoughts. But there are some places that are too twisted and gnarled for me to go. The logic of a liar. The logic of a coward. Frightening in it's intensity, and it's misshapen form.

I still love you - but can't stay anymore. I can't condone your actions any more than I can accept them. To do so kills me a little more every day. You cry and say you're sorry - and you mean it - but it doesn't matter. You do it again and again. I can't even remember how you used to be. I just have vague memories of that magical time before -  refered to as "better."

I'm being crushed by once loving hands.

I've been done for some time, but tried SO hard to help you. I felt guilty - like it was my fault that you are unsatisfied with the way your life turned out. That it was my fault you pushed the self destruct button just to see what would happen - never a care for those around you.

How do I begin to mourn someone that never was? Were you even here the whole time? Sure, your body was sitting there, amazingly animated sometimes, but what was the wasteland inside like? Were you always just planning the next escape? The next way you could cut and run, back to oblivion?

I'm not sure if everything happens for a reason, but I know it wasn't an accident that we were brought together. I just haven't learned the lesson yet. Some 'why's' aren't ours to know.

I would know - I have enough to fill a thousand empty nights. Strangely enough - I'm not lonely. I learned long ago that those who have your back might end up being the ones that drive the knife into it.

I'm only bitter when it comes to you. But even that is fading into indifference. The same sad song can only be played so many times before even the guitar gets numb to the vibrations, and it just becomes noise.

I still love you.

But goodbye.